


that awful sound (i used to shoot you down)

by mestariteos



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, POV Dean Winchester, POV Second Person, mention of canon character death, minor spoilers for 9x01, minor spoilers up to season 8
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-15
Updated: 2017-12-15
Packaged: 2019-02-15 02:36:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13021446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mestariteos/pseuds/mestariteos
Summary: snapshots of sam & dean, in no particular order. title from nancy sinatra's 'bang bang'.





	that awful sound (i used to shoot you down)

**0.**

_then_ : two brothers, a fire on a half-birthday, a drop of blood caught on the corner of a baby-pink mouth.  
_now_ : two brothers, a hand-me-down car, and everything the world has to offer.

this is what was between.

 

**1.**

nancy sinatra croons quietly over the cheap motel radio. you consider turning it off, this soft lullaby song, but as you look over at sam, he softly shuffles in his sleep and you can’t help but stare at the gentle half-smile that rests on his face.

you leave the radio on.

 

**2.**

really, you think, neither of you should be surprised. life had a way of chewing you up and spitting you out, and then somehow finding something left in you to pick back up, put you back in its sharp-teethed maw, and keep on chewing. so it was with a faint sense of resignation and tiredness ( _bone-deep weary, you think_ ) that you learn of you and your brother’s pre-written destiny as cheap suits for another pair of brothers to wear as they fight out millennia of deep-seated family issues, with humanity making a double-cameo as horrified spectators and the worn battlefield.

 

**3.**

_it’s okay, dean. it’s gonna be okay.  
i’ve got him._

 

**4.**

_take your brother outside as fast as you can! don’t look back! now, dean, go!_

these words shape your life; you take them inside you like a prayer and hold them in your beating heart. you grip the bundle of your brother and _run_. you never stop.

 

**5.**

sam’s watching the fireworks, dancing around in the sparks as they rain down like confetti, or fallen leaves, or tears. and you’re watching sam, a delighted smile stretching his face, and an answering one on yours. you want to live in this moment, forever – don’t wanna have to go back to another trashy motel, a potent mix of anxiety and excitement climbing up your throat as you try and get there before dad’s due back – you just want to life here, now and always. a happy sam, a happy fourth of july, and smiles on both of your faces. you didn’t realise, then, that this was a moment to be stored away, brought out and fondly smiled at on rainy days – right then, this was a moment to be lived in.

 

**6** **.**

_thanks, sam, i love it._

the amulet meant for dad sits heavy in your palm; it nestles there for a moment before you pull it over your head. it fits on your chest like it was supposed to rest there. you were never gonna take it off, never.

 

**7** **.**

sam’s in his usual seat in the impala, thinking about some nerdy freaky smart thing, you suppose, and you wonder if mind-reading was one of the psychic abilities that lay dormant within your little brother. you hope not.

you’re thinking about how sam has always looked at you like he’s been a blind man all his life but now he can see, and you’re the first sunrise he ever saw. you think you look at him the same way.

 

**8** **.**

you remember what it felt like to learn that dad made a deal with an archdemon to bring you back from the doorstep of death. you remember sam’s face when he learnt that you’d done the same, brought him back from the other side. you wonder if sam remembers the time he spent dead, and if he was in heaven or hell, and, selfishly, if he missed you while he was there. you don’t remember if you missed him during your stint in the pit; you remember the times you were on the receiving end of the pain, ( _it creeps up on you in your sleep, lays in wait, no escape),_ and aside from those moments when you cannot help it, you try not to remember hell at all.

 

**9** **.**

_there ain’t no me if there ain’t no you_. the words spill heavy from your mouth, and sam looks at you with such despair; you feel so helpless. you don’t know how you’re going to get out of this one, you don’t even know if you can. you are determinedly not looking at death; death is determinedly looking at you. sam is choking on your shared despair, you watch it fill his lungs.

 

**10** **.**

_you’re my brother, and i’d die for you_ , sam says, and you feel the certainty of them hit you like a punch to the gut, like you’ve swallowed something heavy and alive and now it lives in your stomach.

it felt like truer words were never spoken, never fell from sam’s lips.

 

**11.**

_sam_ , you say, shout, whisper. the word isn’t just a name anymore, it’s your own personal litany, a prayer for your brother’s ears only.

 

**12.**

on another nondescript dark road in another nondescript corner of america, the midnight sky rolls past the impala’s windshield, and you feel like it’s just you and sam, the last people in the universe.  it’s just the two of you looking out at the world, or maybe you’re both outside of the world and you’re looking in. or maybe you and sam _are_ the world, and the world is made up of you and sam and your car and nothing else but the road under your tires and your brother’s laughter and the feeling of content emanating from you both, filling up all the cracks in the vinyl seats and the crevices that time and life and loss has carved inside of you and sam. you and sam, sam and you, that’s all there is and all that matters. nothing else, in this world or the next, is ever gonna come between you. you swear it, silently, into the night.

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this as i listened to nancy sinatra's 'bang bang'. i recommend listening to it (i started this as a songfic), but it works just as well without it. thank you for reading!


End file.
